Nope, not a post about toilet regularity. Thankfully the part of my brain that regulates that bodily function is not affected by Adult ADD. Imagine . . . forgetting to poop . . . *shudder*!!
No, this post is about my inability to regularly maintain a simple record of my symptoms, my medications, my moods and my menstrual cycle. Just a simple checklist and rating system, not hard to fill out, and yet it faded out of my realm of focus as has every single calendar, home management folder, chores checklist and index card system (I'm still holding out hope for that one).
It is incredibly frustrating to have these things float in and out of my life randomly when I happen to remember they exist. And most people would say to me, "You've just gotta make yourself do it" but it's hard to make yourself do something that you've forgotten even exists. So then they say, "Well then write yourself a big note and stick it on the fridge where you'll see it every day" and yes whilst that's a great idea . . . FOR NORMAL PEOPLE . . . for me, notes and posters such as these might grab my attention for 2, 3, maybe 4 days before they inevitably become 'part of the scenery', and I just simply don't notice that they're even there. Even the things that were working well like the Kanban Board fell into the background within days, and I made that thing on a huge piece of cardboard stuck to the wall. The kanban was wonderful at helping reduce the number of projects going on simultaneously and keeping the backlog to just the next few projects to do which helps stop "overwhelm" from setting in (which of course is immediately followed by shut down and mental paralysis).
So in typical ADD style I've gotten sidetracked. The record, yep, not happening. This means I'm going to have to rely on gut feel. Thankfully I am a fairly self aware person, you know, apart from having ADD for over thirty years and not knowing it!! But I can't be too hard on myself, it is very much an internal dysfunction, that we learn to hide very well. And we hide both the fact that we're incredibly lazy and incompetent, and we also hide the hatred that we feel for ourselves for being that way. Mind you, finally learning that your have a medical disorder only really removed the latter of those two secrets. I no longer have to hate myself, and that energy I used to put into the negative feelings now goes into researching and understanding the disorder and my own behaviours and how to manage them. It doesn't change the fact that I still appear lazy and incompetent to my children who don't understand the disorder, or to the outside world when I slip up and my secret incompetence leaks out to the those who don't know of my condition.
One of the things I have learnt is that external structure is very very important to me. I discovered this during the last school holidays. When I no longer have to have (S) to the bus stop on time in the morning, the whole structure of my day falls apart. And yes, (S) has been going on the bus for months now, and we have not been late one day yet. So why can't I regularly follow an organisation system at home to make my life easier, but I can get the kid to the bus stop everyday on time. External structure, and the notion of my secret disorganisation. See if I don't get things organised so that she gets there on time, then that will show externally to other people, and then my secret gets out. The conversation that I imagine other people would have about me goes like this
"That woman is late here everyday, I don't know why she can't just get her shit together"
"I know, can you imagine what it's like to live in her house"
"I bet it's a mess too, never able to find anything, never sure if there's clean clothes to wear"
"I heard the teacher complaining that she never hands notes in on time and often doesn't show up for meetings"
"I don't know how her husband puts up with her or how those kids will survive"
Now of course this is all in my head, but that's why I make sure notes get handed in on time, and that she is at the bus stop on time everyday. So why on earth can I make myself do these things, but I can't make myself do things that will make my life easier at home. Why is it any different? Is it that I care too much what other people think of me and less about what my own family think of me? Is it that I only have a finite amount of energy, and so I put that energy into the things that other people will see? Why can't I make myself do the things that I know I should do? I'm still working these things out, and how to harness my abilities so that I can use them where I need and want to. Understanding my own behaviours is a really important part of living with this disorder, but it's incredibly frustrating to understand the behaviours but not be capable of changing them. It's a life long yearning for control and order, but a life lived helplessly and disorganised.
So I think I started this blog to document the journey of Adult ADD, the highs, the lows, the humorous and the sad. Whether it will be another thing that fades off into the background, time will tell. But I'm hoping it will be an interesting documentation of my journey. I'm hoping that other people with ADD/ADHD might read it and feel that they are not so alone. I'm hoping that one day my kids might understand why Mummy's so forgetful. I'm hoping to share the fact that this disorder seems so simple, you have it, you take some tablets. Simple right? But it's far from simple. It has the ups and downs of a rollercoaster, the ins and outs of the haunted house ride, and I spend all my time looking in those weird mirrors, the reflection I see doesn't match the person I feel like inside, and nor does any of it match the person I want to be.
